I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
WHY?!
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.