[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection