The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot