Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?