Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
What a website
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
We’ve come full circle
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.