I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.