Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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Not😆🤣
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket