Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: