A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I want what they have
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?