Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’m too immature for adultery.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.