Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
how to market bottled water to dads
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.