Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
How to wake up a Beagle
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.