Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
water it, i dare you
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.