If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.