I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.