I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”