Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same