This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.