Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Omg 🤣
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”