[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…