When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Where is your GOD now????
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Britain be like
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The dark side of Canada
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.