(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?