I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Some people were born into their job.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation