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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Dead sexy!!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers