The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The three genders
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
🍞🦆
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe