Peter Parker Peter Driver
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I need to update my racial profile.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.