Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.