Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Lmao the reply
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck