Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I love twitter
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious