Thinking outside the box.. 😅
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.