[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!


ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*


If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.


He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter


“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.


I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.


I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.


With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.


He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.