[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Meanwhile in Canada…
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
me: my friends:
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.