Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have