Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’