Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
(True)
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
ACED my prostate exam!
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?