Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Yup
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.