I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once