I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!