Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather