Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

#NoRestForTheWicked

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.