Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.