If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.