If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Very good news from my accountant
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
There are usually two types of merchants.
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.