Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You Might Also Like
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
The dark side of Canada
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.