Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.