im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.