[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I love the National Park Service.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..