Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.