Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
You Might Also Like
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
stop
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.