I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.