Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.