Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Good news
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.