[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I gave up going to work for lent.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.