Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
All generalizations are stupid.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.