Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.