Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Woke up against my better judgment again
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.